Ditsy State Department Decree, Jane Psaki vs Common Sense


courtesy of William Bontrager


I wrote this after watching a press conference from the U.S. State department spokeswoman, Jane Psaki. She spent the whole hour and a half dodging questions as usual and once again proves that this is the least transparent administration despite our president’s claims. When you read this I encourage you to go to CSPAN and watch. Notice that this parody is very close to the actual events. They use semantics to dodge questions like a pro. I also poke fun at Chris Matthews. He has spent his career sucking up to the Clintons and the Obamas,  and defends this administration like a man with a gun to his temple. Enjoy.

“Hello. I am Chris Matthews for MSNBC, and I am really mad for no apparent reason! The conservatives have done it again! The tea party, Clint Eastwood, and sexist light bulbs…” Chris Matthew bellows.
A cow Taser comes out and prods Matthews. He foams at his desk..
“Thank you. I needed that. The latest news brings us to the State Department where spokeswoman, the lovely and completely honorable, Jane Psaki is fielding questions concerning… Whoa!! Wow! Did you guys feel that? Did someone just touch my leg under the table? No? Oh I see. I was thinking about sipping champagne with the president in a paddle boat on the Italian Peninsula!”
“We are taking you live right now where Matt Lee is interrogating the beautiful and innocent radish. Doesn’t she look like the girl from Frozen? What a sweetheart.”

Location: Washington D.C. Press Conference: State Department Room. It is a stale little place, with flies buzzing incessantly around a dead dog rotting in the aisle.

Jane Psaki is standing at her podium smiling vacantly.
“Our position as the State Department in accordance to the White House is this; we should stand by our position in the region of Ukraine.”

“And what is that position?” asks Matt Lee, a burly reporter leaning over his desk with a notebook.
“Our position is remaining in a  position that states we are not making a designation at this time.” The spokeswoman replies cheerily.
“But you just said before this press conference that you have a position. In fact, that is the title of this conference. The State Department’s Position on the Ukraine, you said.”
“That is right Matt. It is a position that we are not making a designation at this time Matt. As if!” She tosses her hair back and giggles.
“Well, you do know that a position means, you take a side, or you are taking a stance, or making a determination.”
“Those are just words Matt. Ok Mr. “Use-words.” I can use words too. Look at Matt’s dumb tie everyone. See Matt. Words are words. We use words too. Words, words, blah blah…,” she laughs and blushes. Her eyes cross then go back to normal.”
“Well are you aware of the effect we project to other nations when we allow Hunter Biden, the vice president’s son, on the board of a gas and oil company in the Ukraine? You do realize how bad that looks right?”
“He is a private citizen that was raised by Siberian mercenaries on request of Mrs. Biden. She felt her husband was not not ready to be a father at the time. The son and father have hardly met. That is all I know of Hunter Biden.”
“Yes, only the first part of that is true but nonetheless, “Matt continues, “Hunter Biden is going to sit as a chairman in a company in a nation which we are supporting against Russia. Doesn’t that smell of cronyism?
“Why thank you Joe! That is my new perfume. It is called “Crony Lips” by Beyoncé. And speaking of which I think there is an emergency and I simply have to take this call!” She shrieks.
“You aren’t holding your phone,” Matt plainly states.
“Yes. I hear you and I’m on my way. Please avoid that dead hound on your way out! We are in no position to move the dog to a further position at this time.”
Back to the MSNBC Newsroom
“And that is that ladies and gentlemen. This is Chris Matthews again, and now you realize that we have nothing to worry about from the peaceful, gentle soul that is Jane Psaki. Nothing to worry about at all. Right, John Kerry?” Chris Matthews blurts.
The television screen splits and John Kerry is shown drinking blood from a skull. He looks up, furrows his eye brows, and smacks his lips before dashing off in a hiss.
Chris continues, “More news. Obama …whoa-ohh! Just saying his name is sweet ecstasy… addresses the American tragedy of Jay-Z assaulted on an elevator. We are going to be playing that for the remainder of the evening, as we see if race was the factor behind Jay-Z’s attack, and if it was indeed the reporter Matt Lee behind those nefarious acts.”
“Be sure to check out the charity, “Clinton for Kittens”, where the madam will breast feed nine sickly alley cats back to health. Go Hillary.This is Chris Matthews, going back to the asylum.”

(end Broadcast)