MSNBC Smothered Under Adorable U.S. Immigration Policy


courtesy of William Bontrager

“Hello. My smile has been surgical pasted to my face. I am Abby Huntsman and you must have accidently broke the remote, lost it in the cushions, or are in a strait jacket because you are watching MSNBC. This is the Cycle. A show that brings you arguments from young men and women fresh out of college. We aren’t very tough, nor do we understand basic arithmetic, but we are young, attractive, and full of ambition.”

“Racist, homophobic, bigots, and sexists!” They all shout in unison.

Abby continues. “As you know we warm up with that chant before each show. We watched the Power Rangers do it and adopted it to defend against the hated GOP. Those chants are and will always remain the best arguments for debating any issue.”

Everyone on the panel smiles and nods.

They all have their own little separate screen so they look like the Brady Bunch. There is a black guy, a white woman, a latina woman, and for the sake of not leaving anyone out, an Eskimo eating a blubber hot pocket.

“As you may know, recently, busloads of innocent little immigrant children have come to America’s doorstep and asked us for help.” Abby informs in to the camera.

“Yes. They are darling little things.” The black man grins.

“Yes. Muy Bonito.” The Latina woman says.

“They have been detained in government facilities while they wait to connect with an ICE representative. The situation is critical that these little babies find loving homes to shelter their impressionable young minds. With us to report in one of these facilities is our own smirking Chris Hayes.”

“How is everything Chris?”

Chris Hayes speaks into the microphone surrounded by loud music and smoke.

“As you see I am live here at the facility with these children.”

Chris Hayes stoops down and there is indeed a little child. She has a clean face, and eating a Popsicle. Chris Hayes knocks her treat out of her hand, and then rubs dirt and grime on her. The little girl starts to wail.

“As you clearly see this child has been mistreated while she is here. Yes. That person that mistreated her was me but that doesn’t matter. These children are in desperate need of America’s help. Citizens need to reach into their greedy wallets and supply these children with food and care.”

A gang of middle aged men from Guatemala bump into Hayes. They scream at him and push him around. One mutters into the camera while flies dance around his arm pits. He has a leg of dripping duck in his other hand. Another skinny creature wearing a huge sombrero moons the camera and screams shrilly while his friend waves a dirty pistol.

“Chris. Is that a child? He certainly is cute.” Abby Huntsman replies.

“ Yes. In some places in Central America the children are men-sized and hairy, and involved in gangs apparently. That is the information sent down from the White House by Cecilia Munoz. In fact, most of them seem to resemble actor/director Dany Trejo although it is obvious they are all little children.”

“What about the little girl?” Abby Huntsman asks.

“I found her at the nearby Walmart before I came,” remarks Chris.

The cameras pan to a huge brown faced man with a lazy look of contentment. He sits on the bench. His fat greasy finger goes under his pants while he hums softly to himself.

In another area a huge cluster of men are gathered around two roosters who are pecking at each other and squawking angrily. The men are shouting and passing money back and forth excitedly.

“It appears this group of children are playing duck duck goose.” Chris Hayes says.

“Let me see if I can get an interview with one of the kids. Excuse me little boy. Can I have a word?”

Chris Hayes pokes a tall man in a ponytail and leather vest. His arms are bare, with tattoos of chipmunks being strangled. He turns to Hayes and grabs him by the tie. He starts squeezing until Chris Hayes’s face turns blue. Then he lets him go and throws up a weird hand gesture. A guy in a bandana playing cards at a table sees this and rises from his seat.

“Pollo…muchacho.” The man in the pony tail growls and pulls out a switch blade.

“Well, as you can tell in the newsroom, these immigrant kids are just looking for America to give them a chance.” Chris Hayes remarks while the blade of the knife is poking his nose.

He bumps into the guy in the bandana who pulls him close. Chris Hayes can smell tequila on his breath.

“You have underwear for us Homes.” The guy whispers.


“ My fren…underwear my fren..” The guy in the pony tail repeats.

The two figures threaten Chris Hayes, both gesturing with their knives.

Hayes squeaks. The camera cuts back to the newsroom and Abby.

“What precious little children. Thank you Central America for giving us your best and your brightest. Apparently America has responded. They undoubtedly saw the adorable innocence of the children just now that Chris Hayes interviewed. With us in the studio is, Michael Jordon and Mark Zuckerberg. Hello.”

Michaul Jordon smiles.

“I was moved by the broadcast. I have connections at Hanes where they provide the greatest comfort. I am going to answer the call and deliver underwear for all the children there. From the looks of the scene, we will need all sizes, including 2XL and 3XL.”

“That is wonderful Michael. The poor children need underwear. You are an example to what all of America should be doing. Thank you so much.”

“Hey. They kids. We can’t let them free ball it out there.”

“Right you are. And what are you going to do to help the children Mark Zuckerberg?”

“ I have released a documentary called “Undocumented” already. But your program stirred me up so much. Especially watching the little boy with the switch blade. I think I will make another documentary and call it the “Underwear Deprived.” I think this is a story that needs to be told. How an underwear-less culture came to this country and found they had hope in the comfort in the lasting waste band of Hanes.

“That is heartwarming.”

“And I also know that I can pay these children very low wages and make a tremendous profit off of their hairy backs.”

“Well, working with you is  reward enough. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg. You are a bastion of love and tolerance.”

“For a closing view as an inspiration for us all, let us go back to Chris Hayes.”

The camera shows men from Brazil, Guatemala, Mexico, and Beliz and they are dancing on a fiery car while others are rocking it. The guy in the pony tail knifes the camera. Chris Hayes is seen crawling away from the chaos in stark fear. In the newsroom the Eskimo retreats.


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