“Hello. I am Rupert Murdoch. Seeing as how all the media has joined forces and decided to run Sergeant Bergdahl stories ABC , CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and CBS have joined forces and with one really strange voice, and have created a hybrid reporter in a FEMA lab to bring you this broadcast. We have genetically fused some of the most popular reporters and bring Frankenstein’s monster out to an audience just salivating for more Bergdahl news.
“This reporter has everything you want in an anchor personality. It has Megyn Kelly’s legs, and Bill O Reilly’s leg hair. It has Chris Matthew’s Lego man face and raspy anger, Rachel Madow’s goose neck and sarcasm, Brian William’s sex appeal, which is none, Scott Pelly’s invisible personality, and finally Al Sharpton’s intellect.”
“We will be taking this monstrous reporter allowing it to switch personalities that best suit the broadcast. Thank you America. “Rupert Murdoch grins widely and waves a taser at the camera.
The creature that was just described thunders up to the television camera. It looks exactly like some reporters exploded to pieces and have been sewn back together. It speaks as it pounds one brown fist on the table.
“Greetings America! Sergeant Bergdahl! Bergdahl! Listen up! You all are racist! Just because Sergeant Bergdahl is an African American you all persecuting him! For shame!” The monster screams, sounding like one of Al Sharpton’s unintelligible rants.
The monster is tasered.
“Inequality! My brothers and sisters of the Bird-Dog family, all being hosed and beaten with smart phones…!” The monster screams.
The monster is tasered again, but it rages and beats its fist and needs to be dragged off. As it is being dragged off it is screaming about how the white man has taken over the NBA. Rupert Murdoch comes back on the screen.
“We apologize for the inconvenience. It is apparent that Sharpton’s personality overshadows the rest of the media personalities, and cannot be contained. As he is being dragged off and given a job with General Electric, please enjoy these best of Bergdahl moments.”
The television switches to clips of figures and their famous quotes concerning the recent events.
Bill Clinton: (Using his thumbs to make the point)
“I did not have sexual relations with Sergeant Bergdahl.”
“Look! I make no apologies. Except to Michelle. She mis-heard me when I told her I can trade Sergeant Bergdahl for five Taliban. She thought I said I can trade five Taliban for a “salty burger.” Needless to say she was hard to control afterwards.”
“I better get fries with that there salty burger!”
Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel:
“I am the lone wolf of deadly nothingness. Oh wait that is Bergdahl’s line. Someone tell me what to say? Quick!”
“I am the lone wolf of deadly nothingness.”
Senator John McCain:
“Although I knew about this five years ago, I am outraged right now.”
I know what Bergdahl is going though. I walked away from my mission and those that depend on me in Game 3. Keep your head up Berg-DAHL! They aint nothing but haters!”
“As I said in 2009, “The capture of Private Bergdahl and the bombings in Jakarta prove that we have not defeated terrorism, and that radical extremists will stop at nothing to attack Westerners and our ideals. Oh wait, I just incriminated myself.”
Finally summing up the wisdom of the age about sergeant Bergdahl and his pull on the American populace and their irresistible appetite for more of these stories, is our newly created monster, returning after his new business deal.
“AMERICA! BERG-DAHL! GOOD-BAD! YEEARGGHH!!
“Spoken with incredible wisdom. This is Rupert Murdoch with the first successful consolidated news effort launched, and hopefully will not be the last. Thank you sheep. Now go graze in the field and sniff out some more Bergdahl news. Meanwhile, we will take over the world, hahahaha.” (Evil laughter as the newscast closes)
Next: Hopefully no more Bergdahl!